


Lava

by Mister_Spock



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Distrust, F/M, Gen, Hurt!McCoy, Hurt!Spock, Mind Control
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:35:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26071999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mister_Spock/pseuds/Mister_Spock
Summary: After an incident with a powerful alien using Spock to hurt McCoy, the pair have to deal with the guilt, anger, and fear that comes from it. But despite both their physical and mental torment, has Spock truly escaped from the powerful alien's grasp or will he strike again?
Relationships: Spock/Nyota Uhura
Comments: 45
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sort of my AOS take on Spock scaring the shit out of McCoy with his huge strength over humans and the helpless feeling that comes with it but with an added dollop of Spock suffering too.

_He couldn't breathe._

_The fingers around his throat, restricting his airflow made sure of that. They dug into his flesh and even as he slid to the floor, there was no letup. The pressure was intense. His attacker loomed over him, his dark eyes staring blankly at him._

_He clawed at the hands around him, desperate to just draw in a breath before he inevitably passed out._

_He was pulled over onto the ground and his attacker straddled him, allowing him to push his weight down onto him. He knew then that in a matter of seconds his windpipe would be crushed, he didn't have a chance._

“ _Spock!” he dimly heard as the blood pumped loudly in his ears. “God, Bones!!!!” the same voice said._

_One hand grasped at the cold fingers on his throat and the other flailed around for something, anything, to save him. Something hit his hand and he grasped it. He struck his attacker with it, surprised when he moved his arm back and hot liquid spat in his face._

He gasped away, coughing for the oxygen he needed. _Needed._

“It was just a dream,” he muttered to himself as he staggered out of bed and went into the bathroom and splashed some water on his face. He took some deep breaths and dried his face before catching a glimpse of the all too real bruises that stared back at him.

He shivered and walked away from the reminder that his dream had been all too real a couple of days ago.

He went back into the bedroom and looked at the time. It wasn't even 4 am yet.

He left his quarters and headed down towards sickbay. He veered off into his office at the last minute, remembering who was still in sickbay.

Once in, he checked the computers, just to make sure he hadn't been transferred back to his quarters to rest, but nope, he was still there. He didn't want to see those cold eyes staring into him again. Couldn't.  
Chapel was on duty and he sent a comm to her device, asking her to bring some sleeping pills into his office for him.

She arrived a few minutes later, a pitying look on her face. He didn't need that.

He could tell she wanted to say something but he dismissed her before she could.  
He didn't need to hear anything, from anyone right now.

He just wanted some sleep.

~

Jim Kirk headed down to sickbay.

He had a headache. He'd had a headache for the past couple of days and he didn't see it abating any time soon.

His crew was a mess right now. But, he needed to try and get things back to normal. He headed into sickbay, smiling confidently at the staff he saw as he headed to his first officer's bed.

Spock, for his part, looked utterly miserable. He didn't seem to be able to manage his usual passive expression and it was distressing to see. But, Kirk could sympathize with Spock's misery. He'd been an unwilling pawn to a powerful alien who had used Spock's body to hurt the crew. He'd had no control over what he did but clearly, he knew all too well what had happened.

He hadn't spoken in two days. McCoy, in a desperate bid to save himself and struck Spock with the scalpel kicked over to him and he's used it. He struck out blindly in his panic, slashed Spock's throat open. He's struck him a couple of more times in the arm and hand before Spock had fallen out of reach and McCoy had dropped the scalpel.

Spock's injuries had been nasty. He had to have a full two days without speaking, drinking, or eating. Kirk had visited him the past two days but he wasn't sure anyone else, besides Uhura, had been.

It was why he'd insisted Spock stay in the main area of sickbay so that people would see him. So that he wasn't hidden away like something they shouldn't think about.

“Mister Spock, you're looking much better today,” Kirk lied, easily. If anything Spock looked worse. “Have you attempted anything to drink or eat yet?” Kirk asked.

Spock shook his head.

“Have you spoke to anyone?” Spock didn't answer but the answer was clear enough. “Well, you'll do so when you're ready, I suspect,” Kirk said. “I came to give you this PADD. I need to file a report on what happened a couple of days ago and I need your input. I've already added my report and a personal statement which is available for you to read, should you want too. He held the PADD out for Spock to take. He lifted one arm, the injured one, before taking it with the other instead. “Is that still bothering you?” Jim asked, looking at the bandaged hand and arm. Spock shook his head, a little too quickly if Jim was honest with himself, but he didn't push.

Spock looked at the PADD, the screen blank but it didn't matter. He had something to focus on other than Jim and he would focus on that and that only.

It was then that Jim realized just how fragile Spock was right now. He was utterly broken by that had happened and he had no idea how to fix this.

“I'm off on duty but I'll come by when my shifts over. Maybe I'll bring the chessboard, huh?” Jim said, trying to be as positive as he could.

Spock, in response, struggled up a little more in bed and then proceeded to vomit all over the PADD and bed.

It was going to be a long day.  
  
~

Jim left Spock being tended to by Nurse Chapel and headed to McCoy's office.

He'd been by his quarters already and knew this was where he was most likely to be. He was sleeping in his chair, his arms folded across the desk, heading resting on top. The sleeping pills and a bottle of brandy beside it wasn't a good sign.

“Bones, get up,” he said. McCoy's eyes opened slowly and seeing it was Jim he waved him off and rested his head again. “I need you up, come on,” Kirk insisted.

“Wh-?” McCoy muttered.

“I need you to come with me,” Kirk said.

“Oh.. go and die,” McCoy muttered.

“I did that once before and it was no fun. Get your shit together and meet me in the mess in 10 minutes,” Kirk said.

~

Spock didn't want company.  
  


Despite the two days resting his throat, it still felt raw and the idea of swallowing anything didn't appeal to him.

It hadn't helped that he had vomited earlier. The bile had burnt and just made him feel worse.

And then Nyota had arrived with a Vulcan soup dish and a blend of some juices she knew he enjoyed and the idea of putting any of it in his mouth made him feel nauseous.

She quickly realized that he wasn't up to eating anything and put it aside. “It's okay, she soothed. You can do it in your own time.”

He was grateful for her understanding. She reached out to touch him but he flinched away from her touch.

She didn't say anything for a long time after that, and he didn't dare look at her but eventually, she spoke again. “Well, I'm going to leave you to get some rest. But I'll be back soon. I love you,” she said. She didn't kiss him but he heard her kiss and blow it, the way humans did in that sentimental way.

He turned and watched her walk away.

He wished it would be forever.


	2. Chapter 2

Bones nursed his head in his hands as Jim ate his breakfast. 

McCoy had a coffee and was struggling with that. 

“How are you doing today?” Kirk asked. 

“Great,” Bones muttered in response. “When are they moving him out?”

“Spock? I don't know. You're not going to go back in until he's gone?”

“That was kinda the plan, yeah,” McCoy said. Hostility was creeping into his tone. 

“Don't you think it'll be easier if you two see one another sooner rather than later?” 

“You didn't have that crazy bastard bearing down on you, staring into your eyes with those dead fish eyes he's got. I don't want to set eyes on him again,” McCoy spat. 

Jim was surprised by the level of anger coming from McCoy. “Come on, you know he wasn't in control of his actions,” Jim said. He kept his tone neutral. He didn't want McCoy to think he was taking sides. 

McCoy smirked at that before leaning in closer to Jim. “Who was in control when he choked you out that time?” 

“That was different,” Jim dismissed. 

“Was it?” 

“Yeah, it was, and you know it.”

McCoy shrugged. “Either way, he ended up nearly killing people.”

“Neither of us even passed out,” Kirk defended. “He wouldn't have killed me if I passed out and he wasn't in control when he attacked you. Come on, Bones, you know he's not like that.”

They shared eye contact longer than was comfortable, but Jim was not going to look away. “He does this,” McCoy said. 

“Does what?” 

“Keeps eye contact. Even when it's uncomfortable for a human to keep looking. But he's not human. So he just stares into your soul. And I can't get that look outta my head,” Bones said, finally looking away, taking a sip of the coffee. 

Jim saw the tears well in McCoy's eyes briefly before he looked away. “Dammit,” he muttered mostly to himself. “Look, I get it. But if you don't face up to him, how are you two going to work together in the future? You can't avoid one another forever, okay? Just try and sort something out, okay?” 

McCoy considered before finally nodding in agreement. 

~

Kirk left McCoy in the mess before going to a meeting room and calling Chapel in to see him. 

He picked at his nails while he waited. He felt stressed to hell and hated that his too biggest allies were the ones who were falling to pieces right now. 

But he had plenty of good people around him. He needed to rely on them as much as he could. When Chapel arrived they both took a seat. 

“How's Spock doing? Any better than when I left?” 

“Well, he hasn't been sick again,” she replied. She looked worried though, clearly not happy with how he was doing. 

“He spoken, drank anything?” 

“No, nothing. Uhura came by after you but she left upset. I don't know why though, I just saw her leave.” 

Jim nodded. “That's okay,” he said. “How do you think about moving him back to his quarters?” 

“Oh, erm, why?”

“I'm just wondering if he might feel more comfortable there,” Jim explained. 

It made sense to Chapel. Spock did seem unhappy. “I can ask him and see how he reacts to the idea.” 

Jim nodded. “That sounds good. Keep an eye on McCoy when he gets back as well, okay? Let me know if you're worried about anything. Completely confidential, okay?” 

She nodded again. 

~

McCoy watched Chapel leave sickbay and he had a sudden urge to do what Jim had asked of him; sort something out with Spock. 

He walked in, mission clear in his mind. There were a couple of patients in beds and a few nurses around but they paid no attention to him.   
Spock paid no attention to him either. He had a PADD in his hands and as McCoy got close, something like a rage built in him. 

He snatched the PADD from Spock's hands before hissing quietly “Don't you dare look at me.”   
For his part, Spock seemed to freeze in place, eyes averted, hands curled around the PADD that was missing from the grip.   
McCoy moved so he was close to Spock's head, towering over him in a manner that mirrored how Spock had towered over him. 

“I'm only going to say this once. You need to leave. You can transfer. You can quit. Jump out the damn airlock for all I care. But don't you dare think you can stay on this ship. Understand?” He pushed the PADD back into Spock's chest before walking away, rage making him shake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope no one feels McCoy is too OOC here. I'm thinking back to when MirrorSpock melded with McCoy and how terrified he was at that. And I imagine having Spock attack you, even if he isn't in control of his actions, is probably terrifying, so I hope his actions feel justified.   
> Also, I know Spock is also a wreck right now. Again, he's feeling very guilty and has been injured which is making him a little more vulnerable than he might usually be.


	3. Chapter 3

When Nurse Chapel returned from her meeting with Kirk she saw McCoy must have returned to his office as there was an engaged light on and she sighed. She'd check on the doctor shortly. 

She thought Kirk might be right about Spock. Taken out of sickbay would probably be a lot better for him. She'd have to check in on him daily, as he wasn't eating or drinking still but was certain without the watchful eye of medical care, he would attempt it sooner rather than later. 

As she approached the bed, Spock almost appeared to curl in on himself. It broke her heart to see him be so affected by something out of his control. She ignored his troubling body language and took a seat beside him.   
“I have some good news,” she said, sounding more positive than she felt. “I think that it would be good for you to finish healing in your own quarters at your own pace. You've already done so well but we just need to get you speaking and eating again and you'll be good as new.”

She noticed he seemed to react well to that news. He sat up a little more and the strain on his face didn't look to be as intense. 

With effort, Spock cleared his throat before whispering gruffly “Thank you.”

Christine beamed a smile at him. “Doing better already,” she said. “I'm just going to grab you a few things to take with you to make sure you take care of yourself and you can go. Do you want me to notify Nyota? She can help you back rather if you'd prefer that?” 

He nodded. 

“Okay, you sit tight.” 

~

Nyota arrived quickly to help Spock. 

He may not have needed her physical help, but he needed her support. He was not ready to speak to anyone and he was afraid McCoy might speak with him again. 

They got to his quarters without incident. Spock kept his head down, not wanting to see anyone else and it seemed to him that people went out of their way to avoid him from the lack of people they passed. 

He felt great relief when the door to his quarters finally closed and he let out a content sigh. Uhura put the few items Chapel had given to Spock beside his bed. 

“You should get some rest,” she said. “You don't look like you've had much sleep, even for you,” she commented as she closed the gap between them. She hesitated as she closed the gap between them. He flinched away and she stopped. “It's okay,” she soothed, understanding. “I get it. The last time you touched someone, you hurt them.” 

He hadn't expected her to speak about it, not so soon. She pulled his desk chair around and behind him, encouraging him to sit. He did.   
She crouched down beside the chair and placed her hand on his knee. It was contact but not skin to skin, she didn't think he could handle that right now. 

“You won't hurt me,” she said gently to him. “Leonard is scared about what happened. He's working things out in his way and once he has, he'll know that you are not capable of what happened to him.” 

Spock let out a shuddering breath. He could feel hot tears prick at his eyes but he wouldn't let them fall and blinked them back, furiously. She believed in his so much that it hurt his heart to realize it. But she didn't know every thing.   
He cleared his throat. It still hurt, like something was lodged in it. 

Sensing he was about to try and speak to her, Uhura held up her hand and got him a glass of water first. “Try drinking just a little,” she said. 

He took a tiny sip of water but seemed to be content with that. Quieter and with more trouble than she imagined, he spoke. “You do not know the truth,” he managed. 

“What truth?” she asked. She hated asking him a question when it seemed to be such an effort for him to speak. 

“I know exactly how he felt when I tried to kill him,” Spock's words were quiet and clipped short. 

“No, it wasn't you. Not mentally. You would never hurt anyone like that.” 

“The Captain,” Spock reminded her. He took another sip of water. “He even thought that I would kill someone one day.” 

“Spock, he was scared.”

“No, he's right. I am not safe to have on board.” 

“You need some time to think about this,” she said. 

Shaking his head, he handed her the PADD he had bought back from sickbay. Looking at it was an approved request from Starfleet for him to return to New Vulcan. 

~

McCoy was half cut in his office when Jim stormed in. 

He had a PADD with Spock's request to leave on it and he dropped it in front of McCoy to see. He watched as the drunk doctor attempted to make sense of it before giving up. 

“That could be anything,” he said, shrugging. 

“It's Spock's approval to leave.” 

“Oh. Well... good,” McCoy muttered. “Hey, I'll drink to that!” he said and grabbed for the bottle. Jim was quicker and snatched the bottle away and swiped the glass of the desk so it shattered. 

“Look at the state of you, McCoy. You're supposed to be on duty, goddammit.” 

“I'm having a sick day. I deserve one.” 

“Did you tell Spock to leave?” 

“Hey, I gave him choices. He didn't have to leave.” 

“What other choices?” Kirk pressed. 

McCoy snorted a laugh before breaking into one.

“Get your shit together because if you don't, Spock's not going to be the only one leaving.”   
Kirk threatened. He walked over to where he knew McCoy kept his bottles and grabbed the two remaining ones as he left the room, McCoy calling out to him as he left.


	4. Chapter 4

Kirk considered whether to talk to Spock about the whole matter of leaving but decided it might be best to give him some time to live with the decision first. 

He went to his quarters and the requested file he had wanted to see was waiting for him. There was no audio in sickbay but McCoy's body language was enough. Kirk felt as though he didn't know the man as he watched him intimidate the other man. 

“This is ridiculous,” he muttered to himself. 

McCoy was one of the most passionate and caring people Jim had ever met. To see him acting threateningly towards Spock felt unreal. He watched the video several times before stopping it. “He knows Spock's vulnerable. He knows he wasn't acting of his own free will and yet he still needs to assert his control over him. He's trying to dominate him to make him feel better about how vulnerable he was. But is that everything?” 

Kirk pondered the video before pulling up a different file. This was the incident itself.   
It had plagued Kirk to see it but he needed to watch it.   
He played the video. 

McCoy in sickbay. There were no patients, thankfully and a nurse leaves the room just before Spock enters. Spock was the one with the scalpel, the same one used against him later. There's already blood on it from the two crew members he attacked on his way in. 

McCoy had looked up as Spock had entered and everything about Spock looked wrong. His contorted features almost sneering at McCoy, his halting steps. 

“Is Spock trying to regain control? Stop his body from moving forward?” Kirk wondered aloud. He made a mental note to talk to Spock about it soon. 

McCoy had knocked the scalpel from Spock's hand but as they scuffled, McCoy had quickly been overpowered. Spick had gone straight for the throat and squeezed.   
It was painful to watch the pair tumble to the ground, Spock shifting the body onto the ground beneath him and bearing his weight over McCoy.   
He would have killed him, there was no doubt about it. 

Chapel had entered and she had kicked the scalpel back towards them. 

McCoy hadn't aimed, he'd been desperate and swung out, made any contact with Spock that he could. Watching the blood spurt from Spock's neck was a disturbing image and Kirk watched to see the alien cease control of Spock, his body sagged and his hands, murderous weapons seconds reached for his own throat now. McCoy struck out against Spock in fear a couple more times. In fact, Spock's body falls sidewards, away from McCoy and the doctor is still jabbing at the air in fear. 

“He was terrified,” Kirk said. 

Chapel carefully approached and convinced he's safe, McCoy gives up the scalpel. She leaves McCoy and grabs the sheet from the nearest bed and holds it to Spock's slit open throat.   
And McCoy is faced then with what he'd done. Spock's blood has already made a pool of blood beneath him and Chapel is trying to stop him from bleeding out.   
Some others rush in and assist Chapel. They get Spock up and out and McCoy slowly gets up looking at the blood and his hands. 

He stands there, frozen in horror for a long time. Someone comes to check on him and he dismisses them. Kirk gets the idea that they are waiting to clean things up but McCoy's just staring at the blood. 

“He can't handle the fact that he hurt someone so badly,” Kirk guesses. It wasn't just that Spock got hurt, Spock almost died. And he was McCoy's friend.   
Neither of them wanted what had happened. Spock hadn't been in control and McCoy had been desperate. 

Now they both feel so guilty about what happened they can't stand themselves. McCoy was drinking himself into oblivion and Spock was trying to run away. The problem was, neither of them would be any better unless they faced up to what happened and deal with it. 

He'd just have to find a way to make that happen. 

~ 

Spock was grateful to be back in his quarters, in privacy. 

He lay on top of his bed, shivering. He remembered being in his quarters working on some reports when his mind had been overtaken. It was so smoothly done, so gentle despite the intrusion that he had barely noticed. He'd felt calm and serene and by the time he'd realized what was happening, it was too late. His mind had been penetrated too deeply. 

He tried to fight, to force the intruder from his mind, but their power was far greater than his and his first concern was for the secrets he knew about Starfleet. They weren't vast, but he knew a few pieces of information that wouldn't be wise to fall into the wrong hands. He retracted that information, along with some of Vulcans' most sacred knowledge and his it into the darkest parts of his mind.   
All the while, he watched as his mind was ravaged. They pulled the memories from his mind and studied them before discarding them. They were fascinated by his most painful, personal memories and revisited them. They enjoyed his suffering.   
They seemed to take a lifetime reliving those awful moments. He thought he would get numb to them but he felt pangs of pain hit him every time.  
By the time they had finished, his secrets still safe, he felt overly stimulated. Overwhelmed. 

He wanted to shut down. 

But they wanted to feel some of his pain and suffering in person and the drew upon the memory that was painful for many reasons- his attack of Kirk when he declared himself emotionally compromised. 

Looking back now, he can see why they used that certain memory. He was already only holding on by a thread at that point in terms of control. Kirk pushed him to the brink and he snapped and he reacted.   
And those in control wanted to recreate that same reaction and see how the experience varied. 

His mind shredded by their careless action already, Spock didn't think he was in a much better state now than he was then. They engaged to physically control his body, something they didn't seem to be so flawless at and sought out where the most vulnerable people would be. His mind supplied the answers to them. Sickbay, it told them helpfully, where the people are vulnerable already. 

He wouldn't think about the rest of it. It was one thing to cause someone's suffering. It was entirely different to know how they felt throughout it. 

There was no doubt in Spock's mind that he and McCoy could not work together again.   
And it was only right that he was the one who left.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super short but I wanted an update for you sooner than this. Enjoy.

McCoy woke with a start, hand instinctively reaching for his throat. 

There was nothing there, just the ghosts from a memory plaguing him. He felt awful. He'd been drinking too much but it helped him from thinking about it all over again. Those same stupid memories swirling round and round in his head, over and over again. 

He had a message flashing up on his screen and clicked on it. Kirk wanted a meeting with him this morning. He sighed and grabbed for the bottle and took a few mouthfuls before getting himself ready for the day. 

~

Kirk greeted McCoy at the door. He could smell the alcohol on his breath and sighed to himself. “I'll be with you in a minute, just take a seat,” Kirk said as he remained near the door.   
He heard McCoy's exasperated sigh behind him and knew he'd just spotted that Spock was also present. 

Finishing up with what he was doing, he pressed the 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the panel to be displayed for anyone going past and then turned to the two men in the room. Spock had taken the side furthest from the door and McCoy had taken the seat parallel to it across the table. Kirk thought he might have sat as far from the Vulcan as possible so he was glad to see things weren't that petty. 

“Thank you both for coming. Not that you had much choice, but you could have made this more difficult than it needed to be.”   
He received small indications that he'd been heard so he continued. 

“We can't go on like this. We need to work this out,” Jim said.

“Captain, with all due respect, the matter is sorted. My transfer has been requested and as soon as you are able to drop me off at a starbase, I can make my way back hom-” Spock cut himself short of saying home. “back to New Vulcan,” he corrected, clumsily. He took in a steadying breath before adding. “I have nothing more to say on the matter.” 

“Good,” McCoy said before Kirk said anything. He shot him a gaze, but McCoy just smirked to himself. 

“You don't need to talk, neither of you. In fact, I'd prefer it if you didn't. As you went first Spock, I'll address you first. Yes, you have your transfer in order to leave this ship. However, I am not prepared to finalize that transfer until you are healthy enough to leave this ship where you are still in my care. And that means that you are eating and sleeping at the very least,” Kirk said.   
Spock wasn't looking at him anyway but when he bought up the fact that Spock had been neglecting to care for himself, he doubled his effort to look at anything but Kirk. He noticed a slight tinge of embarrassment tinge his skin. 

Kirk noticed McCoy glance across towards Spock. He didn't look long but the seed had been planted. Jim turned to McCoy then. “Now Doctor, you've been neglecting your duties. You are the chief medical officer on the ship. And so you will need to sign him off as fit before he can leave.”

“Anyone can do that!” McCoy protested. 

“And I told you not to speak,” Kirk replied, snappily. “I'm telling you that it's your duty. And if I smell alcohol on your breath or see you drunk when you're supposed to be working one more time, it will be on your permanent record and you will be required to go to counseling for your alcohol addiction. Have I made myself clear?” 

Jim caught a nod from Spock out of the corner of his eye but his attention was fixed on McCoy. They were in a silent battle but it was one McCoy knew he couldn't win. He relented. “Fine,” he said. 

“Great, now because I'm a great Captain and a fair Captain I will give you two days before I expect to see the first medical report on Spock. That gives you two days to eat and sleep, Spock. And that gives you two days of sobriety, Doctor. And maybe if you're both in your right minds, you can actually do your jobs. Dismissed.”


	6. Chapter 6

McCoy kept to his forced promise to Kirk and cut back on his drinking. He made sure he didn't touch a bottle until after his shift finished although this morning, he may have had a shot of vodka before he headed to sickbay. 

He wasn't looking forward to doing a medical on Spock but the good news was that his species didn't like touch which meant he count be hands-off without seeming to be rude.   
True to his nature, Spock turned up exactly on the pre-arranged time, Kirk had accompanied him. 

“You're staying for this?” McCoy asked. 

“Of course not,” Kirk replied. Turning his attention back to Spock he said: “Come and see me once it's done.”

Spock nodded and Kirk left the pair to it. Without looking at Spock, McCoy indicated the bed closest to them. “This one will do,” he said. Spock headed over and lay on the bed as McCoy paid more attention to his medical PADD that his patient.   
He absently turned the medical bed on to a shrill alarm and McCoy pressed the mute button quickly. He watched the screen and saw the pain indicator level off and it took him another moment to realize that Spock was controlling the pain.   
“Keep doing that and you'll be out of here in no time,” McCoy said. 

He shouldn't encourage it, he knew that, but he wanted this whole thing to be over with. Usually, he liked to use the hand scanner to check his patient, but he used the scanner he was supposed to use on the medical bed. He'd use the hand scanner to check more thoroughly, worried that the medical bed scanner would miss something and so that he could ask questions about a certain area. 

Realizing somewhat ruefully that he was rushing through this as quickly as he could, he did feel a slight stab of guilt. If anyone was to blame it was Jim. He was making this happen. His PADD received the results and he looked them over. “Okay, well your heads a mess but we already knew that,” McCoy says dismissively. He wasn't just being flippant, there was little he himself could do about that. It was a Vulcan thing that needed other Vulcans to sort out. He could use it as part of getting Spock's transfer sorted that much quicker. “So I can give you some pills for the pain if you want?” 

“No.” 

“Okay. Then I will recommend some sleeping pills and a few supplements to keep you going until you decide to eat properly again. I can see you didn't heed Jim's warning. If you take the pills for sleeping and the supplements you should be good to go in a couple of weeks.”

“Weeks?” Spock said. He seemed genuinely horrified at the prospect of being on the ship for that much longer. McCoy watched one of the indicators, the one that monitored heart rate, start to rise. He was freaking out about it. 

Had he been so awful to Spock that he'd reduced him to this? A wreck who couldn't stand the idea of being here for two weeks? Spock worked quickly to control himself and his reading went back to normal. He didn't know what to do. Spock seemed to be on the verge of losing his shit if McCoy pushed him right now. Part of him, the part that got scared by Spock's strength and power over him, that part of him was prepared to write the whole thing off, tell Kirk everything was fine and suggest it was in Spock's best interests to leave ASAP.   
But there was more going on that just that. He was a doctor. And he couldn't just switch that off. He was concerned with what he'd seen.

“Okay, you're done.” McCoy declared. “You can report to Jim. I'll sort a prescription for what I think will help and drop them by at your quarters later.” 

Spock darted off the bed and left sickbay as quickly as he could without a word.


	7. Chapter 7

Spock made it back to his quarters before he threw up. 

He took a few minutes to get himself under control before he washed his face, rinsed his mouth out, and went back into the main part of his quarters.   
Spock felt a wave of anger rise up in him. At his own weakness, at his inability to put any distance between himself and the problems that had arisen. He couldn't even look after himself.   
Frustrated with himself, Spock went to his closet and pulled out the bag tucked away at the bottom. He needed to do something productive and that lead him somewhere, so he could pack items that he didn't need. Just leave the essentials he needed daily. 

He hastily grabbed some of the items from the walls, replicas of Vulcan history. The real things were so few and far between now. Next came books from the shelves and then personal items, things that Nyota had gifted him and other human crew members. He stared at the plant Sulu had given him for longer than was necessary. It was dying under his care and he decided it was best to return it to Sulu. Clearly, he wasn't the nurturing type.   
Opening the bag, he placed the first few items in before something caught his eye and stopped him. Something forgotten. 

After his mother had died he had put away the picture of her and Sarek she had gifted to him as a leaving gift when he left for Starfleet. It had been too painful to see it.   
He had left it in the bag, never quite able to unpack it and place it anywhere. He wanted it with him and at the same time, he couldn't stand to see it.   
He reached for it, hands shaking, and held it, looking at his mother. Her warm, gentle smile. He missed it so much it hurt. The frame was a mosaic of tiles in browns and blues. She had made it herself, especially for him.   
He maintained the level of basic function he did by repressing the pain of his losses. Now wasn't the time to deal with this. But he couldn't tear his gaze away from her. 

His door buzzed and it shocked him from the image. He didn't know how long he had been lost, transfixed with the image. “Come,” he automatically said, wishing he had given himself longer to regroup. He rubbed his face and realized there were tears streaked down his cheeks. How had that happened? He put the picture down clumsily on the bed, covering it from view.   
He wiped his face again as he turned from the door, unsure of if he was in any state for a visitor. He swiped his sleeve across his face again and concentrated on his breathing. He was so involved in calming himself, that he blocked his visitor out completely and it wasn't until there was a presence beside him that Spock jerked back to reality.   
He stepped hastily away from the presence and glimpsed sideways. The flash of blue made Spock suspect McCoy but he didn't look closer than that. He moved to his desk and braced his hands on the edge as he tried to regain some composure. 

For his part, McCoy stayed where he was, silently waiting. Spock pulled himself together after several moments, straightened himself up, and turned to the doctor. “I apologize, how can I help you, doctor?” Spock asked. His eyes fell upon the bottles in McCoy's hands. 

“I got the bits I promised you,” McCoy said distractedly. He moved over to the bedside table and placed the items down. “Look, maybe this whole transfer thing is a mistake, Spock-” McCoy started. 

“It's no mistake, Doctor. I shall go.” Spock said. He felt flushed with embarrassment having been caught so compromised, especially by McCoy. 

“Maybe we can talk about this,” McCoy tried. 

Spock shook his head. “You don't understand, Doctor. I was in your head. I know exactly how you felt. There is nothing you need to say because I already know.”

McCoy was silent for a moment and Spock turned away from him. “I'm not going to let you do it,” McCoy said. Spock turned to him, looking over his shoulder. “In fact, I'll stop it right now,” McCoy declared. 

Spock watched McCoy grab the bag and pluck it from the bed. But as he did, it dislodged the picture from it's hiding place. Everything seemed to move slowly as McCoy stepped away from the bed and Spock watched the framed image get knocked into the air and crash to the ground, a shattering sound that was followed by deafening silence. 

Neither of them moved, frozen in place for a moment before Spock suddenly moved to where the frame lay, face down. He dropped to his knees and carefully and tenderly reached for it. He picked it up slightly and the sound of glass dropping to the ground stopped him and he put it back down. 

Spock got up and headed away from it, not sure he could stand to be in the same room with McCoy a moment longer.


	8. Chapter 8

“What the hell happened here?” Kirk asked, taking in the disarray of Spock's quarters. 

“It was mostly like this when I got here. I guess he's packing. I tried to stop him-” McCoy said and indicated vaguely to the broken frame nearby. “It was an accident,” McCoy said. 

Jim looked over at him. He couldn't remember seeing his friend look so guilt-ridden in a long time. “It's going to be fine,” Jim promised. He contacted Uhura and asked her to find Spock and check on him. She seemed a little confused about it but agreed. 

“Talk me through what happened, Bones,” Jim asked. 

“I came to give him his stuff,” McCoy said, pointing to the containers by Spock's bedside. “It's what I prescribed him to get him fit and healthy.”

“He never came to see me, did it go badly?”

“Not really, erm, I just told him it'd take a couple of weeks before I'd be able to sign him off and he didn't seem pleased about that. And I told him I'd bring his bits to him when I had them sorted, that's what I was doing here.”

“So what happened?” 

“He seemed a bit... out of sorts when I got here. I don't know what exactly, I didn't think it was a good idea for me to get too close so I just waited.”

“Out of sorts?” Kirk pressed. 

“Upset I think. He was trying to get himself under control, I just waited. He got himself together. I told him that the transfer was a mistake. I tried to make it better, Jim.”

Kirk could hear the sincerity in his friend and felt bad how things had gone for him. “How did this happen?” he asked, indicating to the smashed picture. 

McCoy shook his head and pulled out one of the chairs in the room and sat heavily in it, his head in his hands. He let out a deep sigh. “I was taking his bag, so he couldn't pack. I don't know where the picture was but the next thing I know, it was on the floor.”

Kirk moved over to the frame, kneeling down beside it, and picked it up. He had an idea what he'd find. He gently tapped the loose shards of glass free from the frame and turned the picture over and saw Spock's parents staring back at him. “We need to salvage this somehow,” Kirk said. 

“You best do it, Jim. I'll probably end up ruining it the run of luck I'm having,” Bones said as he stood up and headed to the door.

“Bones?” Jim called out after him, but his friend just waved him off dismissively. Jim let out a frustrated sigh. His best friends were falling apart around him and he had no idea how to make things okay.   
He gathered up all of the frame in a dustpan and carefully removed the picture from the shattered glass. He left it on Spock's bedside table hoping if he returned to his quarters anytime soon, he'd see it. 

Kirk cleaned the remnants of glass from the floor and planned to make fixing the frame a problem for Scotty to deal with. He didn't want to touch any of Spock's personal belongings so simply placed the discarded bag from the floor onto the bed and left everything else as it was. He thought Spock might be more upset if he came back to his things having been moved. 

He left the quarters and thought about what his next move should be. 

~

Nyota had been concerned when Kirk had told her to find Spock and make sure he was okay. But now wasn't the time for questions. She was more concerned about Spock. 

She used the computer to locate him. Oddly enough he was alone in a conference room and she headed straight there. The door was locked and she called out to him, letting her know it was her wanting to come inside. 

“It's just me, Spock,” she promised him after a lengthy delay. 

The doors opened suddenly and she quickly stepped inside and locked it again. She turned to find Spock and he was sat at the conference table, head in his hands. She couldn't see his face but figured that was very much a deliberate act by him. 

“What are you doing here?” she asked gently. 

“I needed some time away from my quarters,” he said. He sounded strange like his voice was strained. 

“Are you okay?” 

“No.” A beat. “And I do not wish to speak about it.”

“That's okay,” she said. She moved closer to him, so she was behind him and put a hand on his shoulder. A small piece of comfort, but she wanted to see how he reacted. His hand twitched, she couldn't tell if he wanted to knock her hand away or hold her, but he did neither. “I saw the picture,” she said carefully. Even with the light touch on him, she felt him tense under her. “It's okay to be upset about it, Spock. It's an important item.”

It was no secret that the destruction of Vulcan and Amanda's death was a terrible thing for Spock to have to go through. But besides Spock, Uhura was probably the only one who really knew how hard it was for Spock. He could pull himself together with the best of them, but no one truly understood the toll it took on him, to keep himself going, to hide all that emotion and carry on.   
It hurt her, physically caused her pain, when she heard one of the others jokes about Spock's lack of emotions. When they called him a robot or a computer or something else. She knew it was just banter and they didn't really think that way about Spock and that it was usually either Jim or McCoy who said such things and they really did understand just what was under the surface with Spock. But she doubted that either of them knew how deeply he felt and how badly Vulcan's destruction had scarred Spock. 

“I do not want to be upset over a frame,” he said eventually. He still hid his face in his arms.   
He wasn't crying, she could tell that much, but maybe he had been.   
He was attempting to trivialize the item. “It's just a frame,” he repeated. 

She moved and sat next to him instead but faced away from him. He deserved some privacy. She heard him moving and his hand rested on her arm. She covered it with her own hand. He wanted physical comfort from her.  
“So I think that you need some sleep and some meditation and I also think that you've got yourself so worked up in your quarters that you can't possibly relax there right now. So, when you're ready, we go to my quarters, I get everything how you need it and then I leave you there to do what you need to do.”

“There are sleeping pills in my quarters. The doctor bought them.” 

“I'll go get them,” she said. She went to move but he tightened his grip on her for a moment before relaxing it. 

“Would you stay a while longer?” He asked. 

She moved her hand and kissed the back of his hand. “Of course I will,”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, the last chapter!   
> Enjoy

“Come,” McCoy called out as he worked in his office. 

He briefly glanced up, expecting to see Chapel who was due to drop some work off to him and he did a double take when he saw that the blue shirt didn't belong to Chapel.   
Instead, Spock stood at the doorway. He came just barely into the room, so the door would close but keeping his distance. 

“I wish to return the sleeping pills,” Spock said producing the tablets from behind his back and placing them on a side table just inside the door. 

“Oh?” McCoy queried, brow creasing. “How come?”

“They work a little too well,” Spock informed him. “However, I believe I shall be able to maintain a health amount of rest now.” 

McCoy put down the PADD he was working from. “How so?” 

“I have had much rest and meditation. I am able to function adequately.” 

“Right,” McCoy said. 

There was a moments silence and Spock broke it, quickly. “That was all, I shall leave you to your work,” he said. 

“Have you got a minute? I was meaning to come by and see you at some point anyway,” McCoy said, standing behind his desk now, as though he would have run to catch up with Spock if he had too. 

Spock nodded and resumed his previous position as McCoy returned to his seat. When Spock didn't move from the spot, McCoy offered him a seat. Spock seemed to hesitate a moment before complying. 

“So you're feeling better?” 

Spock nodded in response. 

McCoy sighed. “Look, I'm sorry about everything that's happened.”

“You are hardly to blame, Doctor.” 

“I didn't handle anything very well and I took it out on you rather than trying to help you deal with your shit and that wasn't professional.” When Spock didn't add anything, McCoy felt compelled to continue. “So, erm.... how are you?”

Spock looked confused. “Have we not covered that topic already?” 

“I don't just mean physically,” McCoy tried. 

“My control was not what it should have been after the... ordeal and I did not react accordingly. As I have stated, I have had rest and meditation which is essential to a Vulcan's ability to control. Therefore, I feel much better.”

“Well, good. For what it's worth, I was completely out of line and I shouldn't have behaved the way I did.” 

“Perhaps the whole incident is best forgotten,” Spock said. He seemed to hesitate, as though going to say more but was uncertain as if he should. McCoy seemed to sense it and encouraged Spock to say what he had to say. “You were not unduly harsh,” Spock said. “You were in grave danger and it was because of me.”

“It wasn't by your choice though,” McCoy clarified. 

“Doctor, you know that Vulcan's perform melds and have telepathic abilities. This includes touch telepathy.” 

“So?” 

Spock knew McCoy wasn't that dumb. “I know how you felt through that....attack. Your reaction afterwards was not unjust. You feared for your life and the lives of the crew and with good cause.” 

“Yeah but, you're no more dangerous than you were before any of this happened.”

“Correct. And you have seen that aggression directed at the crew before with Jim.”

“When he provoked you?”

“It does not matter. What has dawned on me over the time I have had to recollect these recent events is that my position on this ship in untenable. The Captain can not endorse my staying on this ship any longer.”

“You're going to leave because of this?”

“Not just because of this, Doctor. I have come to realise that I am more-” he stalled on the next word. Whatever it was, he didn't want to admit it. “I am more emotionally vulnerable than I had realised.” 

“Yeah, but-”

“There is no excuse. I should have done more to stabilise my emotional responses after Vulcan was destroyed and I did not. I have allowed my emotions to dictate to me and I have endangered the crew.”

“Hang on, how is this your fault?” Bones asked, exasperated by Spock's logic. 

It was hard to explain to a human how exactly a Vulcan dealt with their emotions, especially the stronger ones. “When a Vulcan experiences a small emotional response, it does not take much to control and deal with. However, during traumatic events there are a lot more layers to that response and it takes far longer to deal with. My Father helped me in the aftermath of Vulcan's loss and my mother's demise, to stow away those emotions. It allowed me to continue to function. But they were not dealt with or processed properly. And afterwards, I would never return to those emotions to deal with them. They were easily accessed because I had not done what I should have. So in many ways, it was my own fault for failing to deal with what I was too afraid to face again.”

“Spock-” McCoy started but Spock interrupted him. 

“Attacking Jim on the bridge, although provoked, was another part of that memory. It was clustered in with those other memories. Easily accessible. And I had to protect Starfleet and Vulcan's own secrets above my own. However, it is time that I faced those painful memories the way I should have a long time ago. And on the Enterprise is no place to do that.”

“So you're still leaving?” McCoy asked. He couldn't help but sound a little disappointed. 

“I have changed my request to one of a temporary sabbatical. I will return to New Vulcan for a short time and continue with my duties on the ship once I am done.”

“Well that's great.” McCoy paused and seemed to hesitate for a moment. “I, um, I'm gonna speak to Jim. I got a few of my own issues I maybe need to sort out.”

Spock just inclined his head slightly. After a moment of silence between them, Spock did speak. “I should go. I have a number of tasks that require fulfilling before I depart.”

“Yeah, er, thanks for returning those pills,” McCoy said and got up and retrieved them from where Spock had placed them. “At least we know they work,” he said brightly, a chuckle forced from his throat. 

“Take care, Doctor,” Spock said as he headed out of the door. He stopped once the door had closed behind him, a frown touching his features. He shook his head. Everything was fine. He needed to about sorting himself out. McCoy was quite capable of healing himself.


End file.
